A closed door Jan. 10, 2024
It appears as if she panicked again and shut down access to
her social media account as she did in the distant past.
It is difficult to say why after so many months, but it is a
typical behavior as in the past, and a bad sign over all.
As a result, I shut down posting my old journals which I
have been doing for more than two years, figuring something I did or said in
them caused this reaction.
Since this coincides with her perusing my site over the last
couple of days – at least ten maybe more hits on my pages – she clearly is
concerned.
Otherwise, she would have left her social media untouched.
She may have done this on advice from someone else (there is
always someone in the background), the best choice for me is to suspend
everything until I get a much clearer sign that she wants me to continue
posting.
The journal itself has reached the point just prior to her
leaving her PR job. But many of the older poetry journal items are just getting
to the point when everything fell apart and deals with some of the conflicts
that eventually severed our relationship.
Since nearly everything I did back then is handwritten, it
has been a slow process to post them, although I’ll still continue to transfer
the handwritten notes into type. I just won’t post it.
I’m not questioning her reaction. In fact, I am shocked that
it did not occur sooner since these things – especially the poetry journals –
delve into the very personal, often trying to balance how I felt at the time
against the reality. Most of these writings have been done during the worst period,
and I used the journal and poetry journal as a kind of therapy in an effort to
better understand, putting the pieces of a very, very complicated puzzle
together – although many times, guessing at the truth and so these do not reflect
reality, but a working out of perceptions in order to make sense of the whole
thing.
Since there is no way for her to openly communicate as to
whether or not she wants me to continue, I am going to assume that there won’t
be any future postings of old journals, and I’ll largely archive the typed
journals for easier future reference.
I suppose her shutting down came with the fear that she may
have revealed too much about her private life, as she had in the past when
throwing open her pages for review. Now as then, there is very little to be gleaned
from those pages, only hints – such as that she most likely lives alone with a
dog, possibly a cat, and that she makes frequent trips to ride a horse.
Many of the images in the background are familiar from items
I recall from her apartment when she lived up north, although she has added a
few items. Since she posted a picture of her residence, I know she lives in a
series of row houses complete with a front yard, possibly a back yard, and that
her apartment makes use of multiple floors. (there is a stair case in several
photos).
Except for this recent episode, she seems relatively
content, and has embraced a number of new creative outlets such as video
production (she has a semi-regular youtube show that includes cooking and
travel, as well as horseback riding).
At the end of the day, she can’t completely shut down
because she is also trying to promote her program, although it is clear, she
won’t be revealing much.
After more than a decade, very little has fundamentally
changed, and she still seems scared of her own shadow.
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