Yes, no, maybe? May 1, 2024
She was so depressed in her most recent video; I yanked down my website.
I thought it was me.
I had been thinking about taking it down anyway, partly
because it became clearer than much of what I wrote in my journal was wrong, or
at best, misguided.
I didn’t see a reason to torture her with misinformation,
especially because I suspect she’s checked my site daily to see what I might
post next.
I could defend the poetry and fiction as being a way of
expressing my feelings through my art, but the journal was written at a time
when I was completely confused, and caught up in the politics of the day.
I posted a new journal entry which asked for some kind of
response from her, as to whether she wanted me to continue to post or stop.
I got nothing by text or email.
But when I saw her video, I was stunned, partly because a
week earlier she was in her glory and seemed happier than I’d ever seen her.
As I said, I assumed it was me (a bit egotistic on my part
since she certainly has a life of her own that has nothing to do with me, or my
writing, and at best, I always expected her to be pissed off).
But deeply depressed.
With no response as to whether to post or not, I yanked
everything down and pondered what I would do with all the poetry, fiction,
journal and fantasy pieces that I’d collected over the years.
When I went back to her video I heard the word “divorce”,
and this stunned me.
She had said earlier that she had moved because of something
that had been brewing for a while, the conclusion of which had come
unexpectedly quickly.
Because I had not followed her activity for years (not since
about 2015), I did not know (possibly could not know) she had brought the farm
for a second time in her life.
Without her poems as a conduit for her personal life (as was
the case a decade ago), there is no way to know the ugly details.
At the end of the day, this explained much about her
leaving, and her depression.
While she made no response to whether I should continue to
post or not, a flood of hits on my website (which I presume were hers)
suggested she still had an interest, and so I changed my plans.
I decided to separate the content – putting the journal
entries from that time onto another page and leaving the original page for
poetry, erotica and such inspired by my interaction with her.
I have no clue as to whether her hitting on my site is a
positive or negative response, or whether she has as much interest in my
journals as in my poetry. As always, I am flying blind, guessing at what I should
do next.
I might be wrong about it all (as I have been in the past)
but it’s the best I can come up with.
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