A dangling conversation? May 1, 2024
More than a decade later, we still seem to be talking in
code – if indeed we are talking at all.
This fantasy I have about a secret conversation between us
has plagued me for years, whether or not it is real or my imagination.
Back then, when everything seemed most heated, I read things
into her poems which may or may not have been there.
These days, I have even less information, clicks on my website
and a few muttered words on the video she posts.
All this, of course, started several years ago when I caught
her peeking at journal entries from the 1980s that I had started to post on my site.
These hits did not come often, yet often enough to inspire
me to begin posting journals I had written at the time when she and I still
interacted and slightly afterwards.
Her hits increased, but not always from the obvious internet
address, leading me to suspect that she only used her regular address when she
wanted me to know she was looking (again perhaps a complete illusion).
Over the last three years, she tended to look at my site
from her regular address during the early morning hours – I time my postings
for after midnight – and the subsequent hits came from other locations such as Singapore,
Council Bluffs or some sites in Virginia.
I had originally planned only to post my journals, but soon
began to post poems written associated with her from back then, and then went
onto to post fantasy fiction, mostly erotica.
When she returned to her video project two weeks ago, she
seemed completely content, even though the reason for her moving to her new
location remained a mystery.
In her second video, she seemed completely depressed, a
return to the bad old days, and I thought this was due to my postings and I
took most of the posts down except for those I posted a decade ago.
I had thought to stop for some time, but like anything,
posting the journal each day became a ritual I struggled to stop – like eating
peanuts.
Anyway, after I started taking down the content from my
site, she used her regular address to hit the site again, over and over,
leading me confused as to what message she was sending, did she want me to
continue to post or to cease. I had asked for a sign of yes or no via one of my
current postings, but received nothing, but this series of clicks.
Later, I went back to her video, in which she muttered the
word “divorce” which may well explain everything that has occurred since the
beginning of the year, the move, the depression, etc.
If this is a conversation, then it is one done in Morris
Code, and I’m completely battled as to how to read it.
I modified my blog, separating the poetry and fiction from
the journal, even though much of the poetry involves the same subject matter.
I’m rewriting the poetry journals – since they were always
just a notepad for eventual poems – and will continue to repost them, as well
as other poems still in written format, and I’ll continue to journal entries on
the alternative page.
I don’t know if this will do anything or mean anything, but
it’s the best I can do.
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